How to Confidently Say No Without Feeling Guilty

How to Decline an Invitation to Go Out

Learning how to confidently say no…a scenario:

Kelly: Hey a couple of us are getting together Saturday just to hang out at the riverfront.

Sasha: (totally in need of a break and wants to do nothing so has no interest in going) Uhhh…I don’t know if I will be able to make it. I will have to check with my husband. What time are you guys planning to meet up? I will let you know

Saturday arrives…

Kelly: (sends text) Hey, you coming? Meeting at 4.

Sasha: No…I have some stuff around the house that I really need to get done, but next time.

Now we all know, Sasha had zero plans of ever linking up with her friends. She couldn’t figure out how to articulate that she didn’t want to come, without hurting Kelly’s feelings. She led her friend to believe she was interested, but that she just needed to check with her husband. When the day came, she then responded with some lame reason about needing to do housework.

We have all likely been in a situation where we wanted say no, but danced around it. Do you honestly know how to confidently say no?

Just Being Honest

We have got to allow room for honesty in our relationships and friendships without always being so easily offended. In this scenario, Sasha likely brought some undue stress upon herself. She chose to lead her friend on and make up a white lie, rather than be honest from the beginning. If Sasha really needed a mental break, this was for sure counterproductive.

Sasha’s honesty could have been powerful in advocating for herself and letting her friend know the real deal. True, caring friends would absolutely support another friend who needs a mental break.

Sasha should have been able to initially tell Kelly that she could not make it. Fact is, she needed a break. Kelly should have been able to accept that and not have any negative feelings about it.

I personally would prefer someone being honest with me rather than feeding me white lies to appease me. In any relationship, being honest builds trust. You should be able to trust that your loved ones are being honest because you both value each other.

If we give our loved one’s space to be honest then we can avoid the “boy who cried wolf” situations. You and your friends will grow to know that there is no underlying mess, whether you say yes or no.

Lowering Your Expectations of Others

As humans, we are wired to have high expectations for our friends and loved ones. We feel entitled to having our friends meet those expectations and deem them a “bad friend” when they don’t. Yes, there is such a thing as a bad friend, partner, family member, etc. However, stop putting people in that category just because they occasionally say no to us.

Just so we are clear, if you have a friend who always says no reasonable requests and invites, then you are 100% right to question that relationship. I mean how are we friends if you are always MIA? Let the record show, I am not talking about those people.

I am not suggesting that we all need to sign up for sub-par friendships or relationships and just accept that. Girl, that is nonsense!

We need to give space and grace for our friends and loved ones to not always have to be present. I admit it was tough even typing that. Don’t we all want our friends and loved ones to be there when we want them there? That is a normal desire.

What is not yet normal is the fact that sometimes our very best friends and loved ones will be unavailable or uninterested. So, we have got to make the effort to understand this and not make it a negative thing.

What is a Bad Friend?

Your mom is not a bad person because she can’t watch the kids this one time. Neither is your husband is not a bad husband because he doesn’t want to do a double date this weekend. Your bestie is not a bad friend because she can’t make it to your daughter’s bday party.

These situations might make you upset, but it should not ruin a relationship. You can process your feelings, without making your loved one feel bad for saying no.

The truth is, we never know how many times a loved one was there for us when they were really struggling. You have probably done the same. Sometimes it is the innate response when you care about someone.

After all, sacrifices can be a huge part of any relationship. The problem is we often expect our friends to sacrifice all the time, as a requirement to maintaining the relationship. It shouldn’t be this way. If we are really going to lead the charge in how to confidently say no, we have to consider how we maintain friendships along the way.

How to Confidently Say No To People

So here’s exactly how to confidently say no, without feeling guilty or hurting their feelings.

You Cannot Control How others Feel

You are not required to cater to others just so they feel good. The other person is responsible for managing their emotions and choosing to be understanding when you say no. You may need to have a conversation with them if you have seen a pattern of negativity after you say no. Be kind, but not always at the expense of your own sanity. It is ultimately not your responsibility to control how they respond.

Start with being honest.

The part that is within your control starts with being honest. Remember, there is power in being honest. If you always lead with honesty, your loved ones will know you consistently mean well and value them. So, when you say no, they won’t be suspicious of your intent.

Remember the Golden Rule

When working on how to confidently say no, extend the same kindness to your friend that you would want to be extended to you. Don’t ignore an invitation or be rude in your response. Don’t purposefully make someone feel bad after an invitation.

Sometimes the answer is no because you have other plans. The answer could also be no because you don’t have the money. Other times the answer is no because you were just there. Maybe you aren’t in the vicinity. Or you just don’t have time. You could be tired or you haven’t showered. There may be times you don’t care for someone else on the invite list. It is also possible that you’re just not interested. Whatever the reason, you can choose to communicate it with honesty and care.

Ask, should I do this over text or on the phone?

This is important because we all know how tone can be misinterpreted over text. If you are saying no to an important request or event, I would suggest making a call just to connect.

Provide an Alternate Date When Possible and Desired

Another thing to consider is saying “no, but”, when possible. When talking about how to confidently say no, there are times when the timing is the issue. Maybe you really do need a break and can help them on Friday, instead of Tuesday. Maybe the other cousin they invited compromises your peace, so you ask to schedule another dinner without that person. Just know, it is absolutely possible to simultaneously express care and say no.

You should not be required to spell out your entire schedule in order to have an “excused” no. Both you and your friends or loved ones should make the adjustment to start accepting a simple no.

No is a complete sentence

There really are times when a simple no is necessary and appropriate. We often offer up more than just “no” out of the kindness of our hearts. However, it shouldn’t be a requirement. This forces people to start embellishing just to make their no seem more valid. You do not have to do that! The next time you’re wondering how to confidently say no, ask yourself if a simple no is sufficient in that particular situation.

How to Say No in Business

learning how to say no in business is just as important as saying no in personal situations. When your business is involved, of course, the dollar signs are always being considered. No business owner wants to lose money. But is all money good money? What if a client is not a good client for your business? What if an opportunity is just not right for your business?

Here are some things to consider when you need to say no in business.

1. Ask yourself does the opportunity align with your business mission and vision?
2. Does the opportunity align with what you feel you are worth? (monetarily and beyond)?
3. Can your schedule accommodate the opportunity?

These are some of the questions you will want to lead with as you consider if you should say yes or no to an opportunity in business. If the answer is no, then you can decide on a way to decline the opportunity without burning bridges. Some opportunities will be worth negotiating (i.e. the terms, budget, dates, deliverables, individuals, etc). Other opportunities will require a full turndown.

To say no in business you can always point back to your business mission, goals, budget, etc. As with saying no in personal situations, saying no in business doesn’t always have to require a full thesis paper. You should use your best judgement to determine how much to explain, based on your desire and relationship with the individual.

I use this method when I need to say no in business: Thanks+Decline+bridge. The goal is to show you appreciate the offer, boldly say no, and then keep the bridge open for future communications.

An easy way to say no in business is this: Thank you for considering me, but this opportunity does not align with my current business vision. I will keep your contact information in case there is an opportunity for us to collaborate in the future.

In this example of how to say no in business, you say no respectfully and leave without feeling guilty for how you said no.

Be Guilt Free and Say No

Some of you may be thinking, saying no in business or in personal friendships is just so mean. You are right it can come off as mean, because it is not what we are used to. We are not immediately taught how to say no without guilt. But think back to the most recent time you really wanted to say no, but didn’t. How did it make you feel? Did you feel forced to say yes? Maybe you only said yes so they wouldn’t talk about you? Did saying yes to that ask or invite bring about stress?

Imagine if we all had relationships and friendships where we felt completely comfortable being honest. There would be less stress in our relationships and quality relationships wouldn’t be ended over frivolous nonsense. We all owe it to ourselves to be more understanding and gracious.

Share Your Thoughts on How to Confidently Say No

Comment your thoughts below on how to confidently say no and let me know if you think we could all use this message to normalize no. Or tell me if you have some other suggestions for how to say no.

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