Note: this post was originally published in September 2022, but has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What is a people pleaser?
Being a people pleaser is looking to others for validation due to a fear-based complex. We often become people-pleasers due to fear of judgment, fear of not being accepted, fear of confrontation, or fear of loss.
Some mothers are people-pleasers due to fear of judgment. Society says moms should always put their children first. This results in guilt for moms who decide to practice self-care and engage in something other than mothering.
People pleasing in friendships is also common. To maintain friendships some individuals will allow others to take advantage of them or use them without any hint of reciprocity.
People pleasing also happens in the workplace. Employees may remain silent on issues at work out of fear of losing their job.
Ultimately, people pleasing can happen in any area of our lives if we aren’t careful.
Is being a people pleaser a good or bad thing?
People pleasers are too focused on everyone else, in the wrong way, to allow themselves to be winners. They stifle their own growth and happiness trying to please the masses.
Don’t get me wrong, it is an amazing character trait to be a caring person. However, there is a difference between genuinely caring about others and people-pleasing. Showing genuine care & concern for others comes from a place of love, while people pleasing comes from a place of fear.
People pleasers are often stressed both physically and emotionally. People pleasers exert themselves in many ways trying to seek the approval of others and rarely have anyone pouring into their cups. This leaves them empty, yet they still refuse to stop people pleasing, because of the fear.
Sis, you don’t need that kind of thing in your life!
10 Signs You are a People Pleaser
- You have a hard time saying no to others
- You often feel like you will lose people over differences
- You have to see what everyone else is doing before making decisions
- You feel the need for people to like you
- You apologize even when things weren’t your fault
- You agree with everything people say, even if inside you feel different
- People often take advantage of you
- You feel like the only person actually giving something in your relationships and friendships
- You feel drained from all your friendships and relationships
- You often feel inferior around other
How to Quit Being a People Pleaser
It really is possible to be stop being a people pleaser, but it will take some intentional work on your part.
Practice Self-love
When you love and value yourself, you will not operate in a way that compromises your value.
You can practice self-love by choosing to stop living in fear. This is done by believing that what is for you will be yours. When fear is gone, you will no longer have to operate from the mindset that you need to please everyone to keep a person or thing (tangible & intangible) in your life.
Be a Genuinely Kind Person
There is a difference between a people pleaser and a genuinely kind person. The motives behind your kindness should never be fueled by your attempt to impress others or get others to like you. If you genuinely feel the urge to do something kind for someone else, act on that. It is never good if your kindness feels inauthentic or has the potential to leave you feeling resentful.
Manage Your Yeses
Check out this Video about the power of your yeses! Managing your yeses as a people pleaser is vital. If you feel the urge to say yes to anything and everyone, cut it out! To be free from people pleasing means you have to learn to say no! It is not an insult to say no to someone. Loving yourself will involve saying no to things that do not serve you, don’t align with your values, compromise your integrity, steal your joy, negatively impede your time, etc. Take back your power to boldly say no. Don’t say yes, just to please them!
Find and use Your Voice
Start believing that your voice is powerful and valuable. This is done by auditing your interactions with others to see if you typically defer to the opinions & feelings of others or do you ensure that you are also seen and heard.
Finding your voice will enable you to operate from a mindset that appreciates the feelings & opinions of others as much as you appreciate your own feelings and opinions. You will no longer minimize yourself to please others.
In the workplace, you will not be afraid to speak up, share ideas, or challenge others. You will trust that showing up as your authentic self will take you further in your career.
An individual who has found their voice will no longer be the friend who is constantly giving of their time, talents, or treasure out fear of losing friends. This person will be comfortable walking away from friendships that do not bring them joy.
Commit to loving yourself and kick fear to the curb, girl!
If you need help planning your goals without being a people pleaser, be sure to grab your copy of my FREE Goal Planning Worksheet. Just complete this form below to download it now.
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